My shemale farewell...

So many of you know that I only perform with shemales who I befriend or have a desire to befriend. Joanna was my first obviously. I met her and loved her instantly. She was something. Grace. Beauty. Class. Everything I am not in a little English package. There were a lot of things that attracted me to her. First her drive. Second her sexuality. Third, her willingness to go against the grain. We didn't fuck in Jet Set 1. We made love in a sense. In Brazen it was a challenging movie with a tight schedule. It wasn't as emotional, but it solidified our friendship more than ever. I could see myself for the first time having a TS best friend, someone I could rely upon and someone who I could let in to be a part of my life. Later, she went through some really really hard emotional problems. Anyone would have. I became resentful to her for not including me in her life during that time. She did some things I didn't approve of that caused me some fairly deep hurt. I finally worked with her in Jet Set 3 and after a few more times together, that was it. It was just never the same. I picture Joanna always being part of my life but life changes and people change. I'll always have a special place for her in my heart, but I guess we'll never be that close of friends again. We'll probably never have that chance or desire to put forth the effort.

Next (somewhere in there) came Danielle. Danielle I didn't really let in, but anyone who knows her sees one of the most "real" TS girls. She is the quickest to love and the quickest to anger. Her latin side I guess. I didn't get Danielle in porn, I just gave her a springboard of contacts and advice. She is beautiful and had tons of desire. She would have done it on her own. I think she was surprised at how freely I was with help. Our friendship was solidified over a cheeseburger at Carl's Jr. or something after one of our shoots together. Here we were starving ourselves for a shoot and then pigging out with onion rings and burgers. I don't really know what to say now. I just think we live too far apart. She has her agenda and desire to be the best. I no longer have that desire. It's hard to have ambition after you get that top notch award thingy. Regardless, somewhere we distanced ourselves from one another to the point where now I would call her, like Joanna, an acquaintence more than a friend. It's too bad, but at some point it's obvious that we can't be more than that.

Regardless, if I have a good friend, and someone who is an idiot decides they want to talk shit about them, I tell the idiot to fuck themselves and don't talk about my friend. TS girls don't work like that. They have to kiss up to everyone. Fake. Superficial. Financially motivated. I don't want anything to do with people like that. Who would? Would you rather have real friends who stand up for you or would you want tentative unsure people seeking acceptance from others. Of course I could be totally wrong here.

I guess I talk a lot about this trouble I have with other TS. I don't relate. I don't understand. I don't have a gay club/lifestyle background. I don't have that strong desire to kiss up to other girls in the industry for acceptance. Take Allanah Starr for example. Some people think I have an irrational contempt for her. Perhaps. From the first day I met her, far from when I felt she was attractive, I thought she was an ass. That feeling has just grown over time. I could go on and on about the justified rational reasons why I feel that way, but suffice it to say that I feel that way. Is that taking the high road? Maybe. While they might someday morph into that, my forums aren't really a place for the brutal honesty I feel sometimes.

On the other hand, I have GG friends in abundance. GG's are similar and different than TS. It is hard to explain. I have that need for feminine companionship while at the same time having a strong need to distance myself from all things TS. I mean not a day goes by where I take for granted where I came from or don't look in the mirror and still see my former self, despite how destroyed that person is. I love myself. I just don't love my genre or anyone in it. I want so bad to meet a TS friend that lives up to my expectations. Grounded. Friends first. No substances. No drama. In the same respect, I know I can't live up to theirs. It's so depressing sometimes. I think I'll always struggle with it. What I want vs what I am capable of giving or getting. So I guess I am admitting that others aren't the problem, but I guess I am not saying I am either. I think I am just unique. Clearly the comradere other girls feel is lost on me. Why should I invest time in being an outsider? I should just be me.

Vicki

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