This is going to sound strange, but I've realized something about myself. When it comes to being with men, it doesn't seem to matter ethnicity, sexiness factor, age, etc... Almost every time I am intimate with someone, I fall in love. I'm not saying deep, true love, but I am saying, I melt into the other person. At that moment, it is like time stops and I picture my life with them. If I could split myself into a dozen people each spending a life with each, I would have done it. My sister and I are both a bit like shape shifters, we morph into our partners culture, lifestyle, interests etc. This isn't to say that I'm fake, I guess I would just be very diverse. For an example, I enjoy BBall, but I rarely watch it. I love music, but rarely would go see it live, I love romance, but I tend not to be romantic. I could eat steak every night for a week and be happy, or eat Italian, Mexican, or Chinese food for a month. For the right man, I will love watching sports with him and eventually even accept his favorite team as my own. I know someone who loves Sushi, it is his favorite meal in the world. So now I love sushi. This isn't to say there aren't hard lines I don't cross, but with an interesting man, I am limitless, content to be molded into her perfect wife and partner. I can bond with someone in an instant and we are immediately like old friends. I'm educated, have no jealousy, and tend to be rational at most times. I am passive during real arguments. I stand down and let my partner vent their anger or frustrations. I submit and put my feelings second to theirs for compromise. My weaknesses are occasionally being stubborn, lazy, or sometimes pouting when things don't meet my expectations.
All that isn't good without the other person loving me back and... for whatever reason, I am very fortunate in that they typically do. I think, based upon feedback I've gotten time and time again, the people I am with are feeling the same way. Men are inclined to tell me they love me. I play coy, at times, refusing to acknowledge their feelings as any thing more than a passing fancy. While my nature would be to tell every single one of them, I love them too, and I never want to leave them (at that moment), I also realize my nature. I stop myself on the precipice and pull myself back to the reality where I realize I am only one person and no matter how strongly I feel (at that moment) I cannot share my love with everyone. I go on dates, meet parents, children, and sibblings; I do things that many women like me dream of doing with their significant other.
I've never felt anger or bitterness toward men or used. I think this is where my kinship with most girls like me that I know breaks down. I can't relate to their feelings of being used or objectified. Girls like us are our own worst enemy. A lot of the girls make their livings as sex workers, but then become bitter and jaded when they can't find a quality meaningful relationship. No man wants a whore for a lifemate. He wants his whore. The number of men that can accept a girl past as a whore is smaller than those who can't. The number of men who can accept their girl continuing to be a whore vs those who could accept their previous work, is smaller still. Then, being girls like us, the pool is smaller still. Just like the other women, we have to compete with girls younger, more beautiful, girls smarter... more "real".
I tell girls all the time, goto college, get normal jobs, but in escorting or sex work, the money comes too fast and too easy. I think every sex worker's master plan is to hook for as long as possible, and then find love and settle down, after she is too burned out and used up and only the desperate might want her. Unfortunately, most of these girls have no money management, and blow huge amounts of money on nothing. Girls in the porn industry can spend $200k a year and not even have a car to show for it. They will have $2000 boots. $5000 dresses. $500 sunglasses. $1000 purses... but those are worthless, meaningless things in securing a future. Livng for the now, impressing other girls with things and looking "fabulous" (because frankly most men just don't care), has always seemed so pointless. I read in Glamour recently a survey where men say the sexiest thing a woman can wear is sweats and a tank top. Do they appreciate a nice pair of legs in a great dress? Sure. But that isn't what hooks them.
I talk to my sister about women and love... and other women feel very similarly. They feel their clock is constantly ticking on when to find their lifemate, their one true love. Too many times has she seen a single woman in their mid-40's or 50's, being alone. Their years of gracefully growing old together with someone are waning and now someone has to find them, and love them even with all their flaws and faults, but now love isn't a dominant factor overriding the visuals of sagging skin, a little cellulite, and belly fat. It's true... I know as a fact that when you love someone, any asthetic flaws are overlooked. You find beauty in all they are and do.
All that said, I feel I always have several prospects. By prospects I mean men I could easily love. Men I could be compatible with for life. Men I find interesting. Men who are successful. Men whom I could build a secure future with. Just the same, I think I wonder... How far can I push this? How long will this last? All good things must end and I think it burns on me, when will my time come... and will love be there for me when it does?
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